Dateline Redmond, Washington – BS News Network
— Doyle Redland Reporting
Seattle based Hero, known only as Freeze, today leaked news of the Stevinator Project. An ongoing combined effort between Apple, an as of yet secret and unnamed genetics laboratory, and the Robotics division of the Cyberdyne Systems Corporation was geared up to maximum effort when it was learned that Steve Jobs was terminally ill. An unidentified but reliable source from Apple corporation confirmed today, “Now it has been revealed that Steve Jobs was buried without his brain, Apple must concede that a very exciting project is underway. That’s all I am at liberty to say on the subject.”
Rumors have it that our Hero, Freeze is ‘connected’ in the inner circles of both Redmond(Seattle) based Microsoft and Apple of the famed Silicon Valley California. According to Freeze, “Elvis is dead. Steve Jobs has merely changed his IP address and the Stevinator is on the way. Keep the faith. As long is there a single DOS based operating system anywhere in the World, in the near future the Stevinator will be here to watch over us.”
Freeze is purportedly ’employed’ by Boeing at its Everett facility and works by day as a Computer Whiz trying to ease the pain of Boeing Employees caused by Boeing stubbornly clinging to Windows as ‘their computer solution’. Boeing has taken the stalwart position that, “We have found yet another innovative way for Boeing to put the zero in Being, and by God, we are not giving an inch on the issue.”
By night Freeze, a long time dedicated Mac Enthusiast, is equipped with the most extensive network of Macs and related electronic gear West of the Mississippi. Freeze donates many hours each night assisting friends and family in expanding their Mac applications and projects. Freezes apt moniker originated long ago by local Seattleites.
In addition to Freezes normal duties of Patriarch of a family of four, Computer Guru, and notable Humanitarian, he is also an elected Official of his local School Board. It is this involvement that has added the mystique of ‘caped crusader’ to his fame of Freeze, the Emerald City Hero. Freezes heavy commitments to helping his fellow man created such a time deficit in his activities, he had to develop a ‘super speedy presence’ in order to keep up with the demands of his life. It was this supercharged presence that led to his evolution to Freeze. One day Freeze had parked outside his local Apple store as a stop on his list of errands. Being hurried and unusually agitated that day, (Just before he left home one of his sisters had telephoned from the Mid West and was in tears over having an argument with her husband and her children being unruly again, and she just couldn’t take it any more.) Freeze was in the Apple store before he realized he had forgotten his shopping list in the car. He rushed back to the car, retrieved the list, and rushed back into the store, only to realize he had left his wallet in the car. As he was returning from retrieving his wallet his cell phone rang. It was his wife in a panic as their youngest sons Mac had frozen leaving him with a dangling participle, and he was now turning blue from indecision whether or not to power down and reboot or just wait and hold his breath. She had called 911 but implored Freeze to hurry his errands and return home to comfort her and save their son before he slipped into a coma.
When Freeze was in his supercharged presence mode, passers by could only catch glimpses of him in their peripheral vision and he appeared to be “Frozen” as if in a ‘freeze frame’. When they looked directly at him, he was moving so fast, his image had no time to make an impression on the Foveal portion of their Retinas and he appeared to have vanished. This phenomenon rarely distressed people, however with Freezes repeated appearances on the sidewalk between the car and the store, passers by had the opportunity to catch multiple glimpses of a “frozen man facing this way, then flipping around instantly and facing that way, then disappearing altogether.” Enough people became so agitated they began calling 911 in a panic as people are often prone to do. The 911 operators were impressed by the panic of the callers, but didn’t know how to report the information to Police Dispatchers. By the time the trouble calls were broadcast to patrol cars, the story that emerged had evolved into one that there were numerous perpetrators at the Apple Store and a 211 (Armed Robbery) was in progress. It was a relatively quiet Saturday morning resulting in numerous Police Units responding. The responding Police while in transit to the crime scene, hearing numerous reports of mayhem at the same address being broadcast by different Dispatchers, the Officers became so agitated they each began calling for backup while in route.
By the time the first Officers arrived on the scene Freeze was just exiting the store with his purchases. The Officers exited their vehicles and, catching a glimpse of a frozen man on the sidewalk with an armload of packages, drew their weapons, taking cover behind vehicle doors and leaning over the hoods. Freeze, seeing the spectacle of numerous Police with guns drawn, actually froze, giving the Officers a first non-blurred look at the Perp. Some Officers began yelling the obligatory, “Freeze!”. Other Officers observing the Perp was already frozen began yelling, “Unfreeze. Get on the ground NOW.” More Officers began to arrive at the scene mimicking the behavior of the Officers who were first on the scene. Being Seattle, it was raining. With all the flashing lights, drawn guns and yelling by, numerous bystanders and 911 callers waiting to see the excitement, were now laying face down in the rain on the wet sidewalk with packages scattered everywhere with their hands on their heads, and needless to say, scared shitless.
Freeze, recovering his composure, instantly disappeared and reappeared back in the Store. The customers in the store were terrified by the scene outside the large glass front store, and at the sudden appearance of Freeze in their midst, panicked and bolted away from him back into the recesses of the store labeled ‘Employees Only’. Freeze, used to making split-second decisions as a way of life, decided that he had no time for this nonsense and headed for his red PT Cruiser parked at the curb in hyperdrive.
The Officers outside, temporarily stunned and subdued by the unexpected vanishing of the Perp, again caught a glimpse of the frozen Perp with packages, headed at them, were instantly re-energized and began simultaneously yelling, “Freeze!” “Unfreeze!”
Freeze, habitually driving in the same mode he moved on his feet, had by this time disappeared into the morning mist and rain and continued his appointed rounds.
The Officers at the scene, now totaling 42 in 21 Squad Cars, never saw the Red PT Cruiser leave but did note they mysteriously now had a better view of the Apple Store.
Eventually the yelling by the 42 high testosterone, adrenaline pumped Officers and slowly descended into an eerie silence. Luckily no shots had been fired.
By this time the SWAT Van, accompanied by the Seattle PD armored vehicle equipped with an M-60 Machine Gun and Water Cannon, rolled up and found nothing to do except assist in securing the Crime Scene.
After four hours the Crime Scene Investigators had taken 467 pictures, 183 DNA samples, vacuumed soil samples from the carpeting, and lifted 237 finger prints from the door and counters of the Apple Store, AND the 42 Officers finished interviewing both the rain-soaked witnesses on the sidewalk and those still terrified and huddled in the back of the Store, the Crime Scene tape was taken down and Seattle returned to normal.
Well not exactly normal. The 42 responding Officers, responding SWAT Team members, and responding Armored Vehicle Crew all began the gargantuan task of debriefings, filing incident reports, and filing witness statements. Due to the fact that all of the Officers of the Seattle Police Department could only type with one finger on each hand, this activity took the participants until late Sunday evening to complete. In the meantime, relief Officers were called in, vacations were cancelled, and reserves called up to fill the large gap in their roster. The balance of Saturday and all Sunday, the scantily scheduled Police presence in Seattle was reduced to the obligatory filing of the myriad of Accident Reports that necessarily accompany the incessant Seattle rainfall and responding to 911 calls of barking dogs and domestic disputes. It was not until the following Wednesday after the Police Brass and the Mayor’s Office in conjunction with the District Attorneys Office had exhaustively reviewed all the documentation and reports on Saturday’s incident, the conclusion was made that no crime had been committed, by either persons identified or unidentified, known or unknown. A short press conference was held by the Mayors Office at 11:37 pm Wednesday night announcing the findings. Much to the Mayors relief, there were no reporters in attendance. Freeze had made a clean get away, but no one knew with what.
A one-time freak phenomenon occurred that weekend in Seattle: No one was arrested for a Crime, Misdemeanor, or issued a Traffic Citation. An achievement brought about by a single Seattleite, earning him the moniker Freeze, the status of Hero, and a place in the hearts and minds of all residents of the Emerald City forever.
It is rumored that a US Postage stamp will be issued this year with his likeness. Of course, it will be a ‘Forever’ stamp. It might be a bit blurry though.
There are reports that the Freeze mystique may be in jeopardy. In the Old Days, politicians dispensed free whiskey at polling places in return for votes. Today’s elections are more sophisticated but still maintain the same principal. Lavish Gala Events are held to entice votes by Political Office aspirants. School Board Officials are no exception. It is well known that running for any public office is a very expensive enterprise. There are whispers in the wind, backed up by some pretty damning evidence obtained under the Freedom Of Information Act, that local based Microsoft has contributed heavily to Freezes election campaigns. To Microsoft Freeze owes what in return? Is Freeze a dupe of Corporate America? Is Freeze merely masquerading as a Mac enthusiast? These issues are beginning to creep in to Election Issues and Debates. Is Freeze of the People, for the People, and by the People? Or just another pawn of a Shadow Government.
Or are these only rumors of disinformation disseminated by his political opponents?
Only History will tell us what to believe. And, as we all know, History is a lie agreed upon by those who write it.
No confirmation of the Stevinator Project was forthcoming from the Cyberdyne Systems Corporation of course, due to the secrecy nature of it’s business, not to mention the fact that no one knows where to reach any of it’s representatives or spokesman.
Reporters are still searching for the mysterious genetics laboratory purportedly involved in the Stevinator Project.
At a press conference by the Apple Corporation on the subject, an Apple Spokesperson appeared before the microphones, smiled and gave the reporters a thumbs up, and then disappeared back into the Apple Headquarters building.
In the meantime Billions of Macovites Worldwide are anxiously awaiting the appearance of the Stevinator to resume the Crusade Against Ignorance and Windows.
- You Can Buy Your Very Own Apple Store For Only $38.5k (cultofmac.com)